Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
