YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
