he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
