I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
