I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This gyro tastes like lonliness
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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