i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
