you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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