You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
FUCK WHALES
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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