The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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