i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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