Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
