I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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