Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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