i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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