Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
