seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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