Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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