I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
