Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He felt like a one man threesome
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
