Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
false alarm, still single
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
