it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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