Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
