We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
