i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
