I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
