This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
