Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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