Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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