i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
where are my pants?
in the oven.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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