have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
