i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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