She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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