Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
