I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
