i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
