new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
not ubering you a puppy
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
