remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
