Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
