fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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