Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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