i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
