i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
