why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just pee around me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
