1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
