Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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