Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
