vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
