look no pants
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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