i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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