Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
