The maid of honor just puked.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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