I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
