White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
