i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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