wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm getting married
To pizza
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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