I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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