tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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