My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
