the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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